My teenager snuck out of the house…
And spent the night at his older girlfriend’s house.
QUESTION:
My sixteen-year-old’s older girlfriend ordered him an Uber at 1:00 am. He left the house, left the door to the basement wide open, left his phone at home, and didn’t return until 5:00 am. I only know because I saw him on the Ring doorbell. He admitted it, but now I don’t know what to do as a consequence. I do not know his girlfriend, but I am aware that she has had multiple sexual partners and has an IUD. Up until this point, my son has not been in any trouble and is a good student. I don’t know if other parents have dealt with this issue or what to do. Any advice would be helpful!
This is a summary of a question posted on a Facebook moms group that was removed because several women commented that she was attacking the girlfriend and slandering her choices. This was my response on the platform.
RESPONSE:
Another mom just posted anonymously about her son sneaking out to be with his girlfriend, and I wrote this response hoping to help, but the post was already removed by the time I hit send. I’m sharing my response here now, just in case it could still help her, or anyone else who has teens and is navigating these murky waters! I know a few others commented that she was shaming the girlfriend, but to me, it sounded like she was only trying to say that she was afraid for her son. Afraid he was in over his head, afraid he was entering a world he has never been in before, and maybe isn’t ready for. I feel that. There was no judgement. Don’t attack her, please.
So I just wanted to say to her:
Parenting teens is terrifying, and I can hear the fear in your post. Fear that your kid is suddenly changing, doing things that aren’t typical for them, and fear that one bad choice will snowball into all the scary things. I’m a mom of teens and feel you! And I’m a marriage and family therapist and have a few thoughts, if it’s okay to share. First, take a deep breath and know that no matter what, you’re a good mom. And you’re doing all the right things. And your kid is still going to do a bunch of wrong things and make mistakes, and you can’t control it all. You can’t control any of it. So let yourself off the hook for that. Its okay. They’ll be okay, because you’ll be there to guide them through it with patience and love.
For the issue at hand, before deciding on a consequence, I would ask your kid these questions: 1.) what made you want to leave the house in the middle of the night and break the rules? 2.) were you worried you would get in trouble? 3.) why didn’t you bring your phone? (That is a huge safety issue, and I’m guessing he didn’t want you to be able track him, but find out his thought process on that.) 4.) how did you think we would feel if we woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t find you? Or reach you? 5.) how did you feel while you were at your girlfriends house? 6.) why did you leave the door open and leave our whole family exposed to danger? 7.) how do you feel about your choices now? What would you do differently next time? 8.) if you’re girlfriends wants you to come over again, do you feel confident saying no? What will she say/do if you say no next time?
These are important questions to understand what his driver was. If it was her pressuring him, talk about he can say no next time. If he really wanted to, and just want to do something wild and fun and take a risk, then processing if it was worth it, did it feel like he thought it would, is he tempted to do it again, can help him internalize the experience and make better choices in the future. Also processing the risk he put you in, the danger, the fear, the not being able to reach him, and the door left wide open, is very important. Having him make amends for that somehow could be a helpful consequence. Based on his sense of remorse, regret, acknowledgment of the situation at large, and responsibility of his actions, a few consequences might be a very early curfew (like 9pm, or 10pm) for the rest of summer, and re-assess when school starts. Keeping his phone in a lockbox after a certain time at night (probably whenever you go to bed) for a week or two so he cannot get in touch with the girlfriend after hours. Doing some extra work around the house to make up for the door being left open.
Lastly, if you’re worried about sex, having an open conversation about what his values and morals are on sex as a 16 year old, (asking questions only, no lectures or teaching), is he planning to, is he already, does he have questions, is he worried, if he wants to wait, does he have a plan on to how to do that, what are the risks, what are the temptations, what does a healthy relationship look like, and feel like, etc. if you need tools on how to talk about this, there are tons of great books. And if he doesn’t want to talk about it, you can tell him that part of being mature enough to have a girlfriend means being mature to talk about it, and if he thinks he’s mature enough to be sexually intimate, that means he’s mature enough to discuss his thoughts and feelings about it.
Also, for what it’s worth, the rules in our house is that sex is for adults. It’s an adult activity, and it’s not allowed until you’re an adult (at least.) I think it’s okay to have that rule. But we add that the mixed message is that if you choose to break the rule, it’s your life, it’s your body, and you have to deal with everything that comes with it, and take responsibility for the safety and physical health and emotional wellness of you and the other person. It’s a big deal, and there are a lot of risks. Talk about all of them, not with shame, but with truth. And talk about how it’s not easy to NOT have sex, it’s insanely difficult when you’re crazy about someone else. And if that’s something important to him, he has to make a plan to help himself stay true to himself, which I think a lot of boys actually want, but are conflicted because of messages of masculinity, toxic pornography, and other social pressures. Giving permission for him to decide what is important for him can be empowering.
I hope this makes sense. Sorry this is so long! I can feel your struggle through my little phone screen. You’re not alone. Keep talking. Keep asking questions. You have a good kid, and you’re a good mom. Feel free to PM me anytime. Godspeed.